One would think that because of the emotional roller coaster that I go through every time I make a change I wouldn't move around so much, but no. I leave February 8th for Vermont. I'll be home for just about three months to see the family, then it's North Bound yet again I am "moving" to Alaska. I put that in quotes because while I am packing my stuff and headed out. I am not sure how long this season of my life will last.
I love going to see my family, but it's the same thing every time I go home. I get there and am so excited to see them then reality sinks in, I am not a fan of being home. So great, knowing this I don't just book a one week stay not even a three week stay, no no, I will be there for three MONTHS! why!?!? I guess if I were to be completely honest the answer would be because I know I'm welcome there! Yes, the Kings tell me I'm welcome here and I feel that now more than ever, but as much as I love them, they just aren't my family. God gave me the family I have for a reason and as much as I might not like that some times I thank God for my family and for the challenge He has presented me with. I pray that this trip home is used for His glory!
From Vermont the plan is to fly back to Billings, Montana where I will spend the night with India. I will fly out at o'dark early the next morning North Bound! Like I said, Alaska will be a season of my life, just not sure how long. Africa is REALLY heavy on my heart! Maybe that will be my next adventure!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
As I stand now... On their feet.
Since my last post there have been quite a few less tears, but I'm still not content. I can say what I want to about my father being out of my life, but I don't know that I like this decision. I told him a few months back at a short meeting over coffee that he hadn't given me anything all my life and I don't need anything from him at this point. The only thing I want from him is for him to listen when I need to talk and he can't even give me that. I grew up on my own and I don't need him to step in now. But, my father is my father regardless.
Unfortunately as I learn the things of the past I have a really hard time of leaving the past in the past. I know I NEED to forgive him, this is a daily struggle.
Another huge struggle for me is the fact that I was told I was welcome at their house, then I went back to get something from my old room and find that my little brother is moving into my room and making his a game room.... real welcome...
So because I'm NOT welcome at my family's house I'm living with my pastor and his wife, but I'm struggling with that too. They tell me I'm welcome and they treat me like part of the family. I love these people, but I feel like I'm a burden but I have no where to go. I feel that I'm only really welcome at my mom’s house, but there's not room there. I’m out of options. I guess that's why I'm thinking Alaska. India has told me not to go if I'm just running and in all honesty, I'm running. I don’t know what else to do. I’m running from the unwelcoming feeling I get here, running from the bad relationship with my father, running from the fact that I don’t feel the same love that I thought was here when I came.
I guess I should have listened to my family, they told me not to go when I was 16, but I went. And it’s recently been brought to my attention that he wanted nothing to do with me or my family, he made that decision over 20 years ago. I forced myself into his life and now I’ll take myself out of it. I now realize that he really though he was out free and clear that day that mom left for Vermont.
Ok, enough complaining. I have been SO blessed this year! My mom, even with all that she’s going through manages to call me at least once a week and sometimes once a day! I can’t explain what a blessing that is! My two best friends, oh dear, I wouldn’t have made it though to this point without them! I rarely go a day without some form of communication. Mark and India have been a HUGE help to me. I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be right now without them. The list could go on and on. And even this relationship with dad hasn’t been all bad; I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t met him.
Unfortunately as I learn the things of the past I have a really hard time of leaving the past in the past. I know I NEED to forgive him, this is a daily struggle.
Another huge struggle for me is the fact that I was told I was welcome at their house, then I went back to get something from my old room and find that my little brother is moving into my room and making his a game room.... real welcome...
So because I'm NOT welcome at my family's house I'm living with my pastor and his wife, but I'm struggling with that too. They tell me I'm welcome and they treat me like part of the family. I love these people, but I feel like I'm a burden but I have no where to go. I feel that I'm only really welcome at my mom’s house, but there's not room there. I’m out of options. I guess that's why I'm thinking Alaska. India has told me not to go if I'm just running and in all honesty, I'm running. I don’t know what else to do. I’m running from the unwelcoming feeling I get here, running from the bad relationship with my father, running from the fact that I don’t feel the same love that I thought was here when I came.
I guess I should have listened to my family, they told me not to go when I was 16, but I went. And it’s recently been brought to my attention that he wanted nothing to do with me or my family, he made that decision over 20 years ago. I forced myself into his life and now I’ll take myself out of it. I now realize that he really though he was out free and clear that day that mom left for Vermont.
Ok, enough complaining. I have been SO blessed this year! My mom, even with all that she’s going through manages to call me at least once a week and sometimes once a day! I can’t explain what a blessing that is! My two best friends, oh dear, I wouldn’t have made it though to this point without them! I rarely go a day without some form of communication. Mark and India have been a HUGE help to me. I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be right now without them. The list could go on and on. And even this relationship with dad hasn’t been all bad; I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t met him.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Those days...
Do you ever have those days where you just don't know what to do? You feel like the world is falling down around you and it's all your fault? You feel unlovable? It's been one of those days where I don't want to see anyone. I don't really want to talk to people. I just want to hide out in my room read my book and cry.
As I sit here crying I get a text saying "The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving towards all He has made." Psalms 145:17-And guess what! He made you! Just a thought you bless you today! I can't help but think that she's right.
I need to pursue God. I was just having a time with it yesterday and couldn't seem to make myself until a friend text me and said "How's your walk with God?" I broke down crying and knew the answer, it wasn't good. His next question hit me harder, "Have you been reading your Bible?" So I know I'm supposed to be seeking God, but I'm failing at it. Before I was completely exhausted I told him I would read my Bible. So I did. And my mood today, 100% better. God is so faithful!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Home...Now what?!
well i'm back from alaska and i don't know what to do with myself. i loved alaska and would love to go back anytime, right now would be great!
since I was in high school i've had this crazy desire to go to africa. i'm not really sure why i want to go there, maybe this is a desire God has put on my heart. i have every intention to pay off some bills and run away. i have been talking with a guy who coordinates missions to africa, he will help get me where i want to go doing what i want to do. he asked the other day how long i wanted to be gone, he suggested six months i think that sounds great!
anyway for now i'm working a lot. i babysit three nights a week, teach preschool two mornings a week and work at a grocery store.
i'm ready for a break already and it hasn't started.
Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
since I was in high school i've had this crazy desire to go to africa. i'm not really sure why i want to go there, maybe this is a desire God has put on my heart. i have every intention to pay off some bills and run away. i have been talking with a guy who coordinates missions to africa, he will help get me where i want to go doing what i want to do. he asked the other day how long i wanted to be gone, he suggested six months i think that sounds great!
anyway for now i'm working a lot. i babysit three nights a week, teach preschool two mornings a week and work at a grocery store.
i'm ready for a break already and it hasn't started.
Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
North Bound!
This year has been crazy- school, work, preschool, and perusing God. While school is a large part of my life, is retrospect this year school has been very small. Work has been the best thing God has done for me this year; my job is a place where I not only get paid, but have some wonderful friends there! I don't know what I would do without my friends at work!
Preschool has been a large part of this year too, helping Mrs. India with the church preschool and also volunteering at another preschool in town. A great conformation that God wants me working with children. Seeing these children instantly brings a smile to my face!
A few months ago I started praying about summer opportunities. I have always wanted to go to Africa and still do, but I don't feel that's where God wants me right now. I did some searching online through organizations for mission trips for the summer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants us to go and share His love.
"And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen. (Matthew 28:18-20)"
No, I don't think that everyone needs to travel the world in order to fulfill the Great Commission, but I also think that if God has put a desire in one's heart to travel and to serve Him then by all means do it! Being in one place hasn't ever really been my thing. This summer I really wanted to go over seas serving God in Africa. While God didn't open doors to Africa He did open a major door to Alaska. I did some random Google searches for summer camps because I love kids and want them to know God's love. I applied for this summer camp praying all the while that God will slam the doors in my face if this wasn't the place for me to be. Not only did God open the door of opportunity up the day I got the packet of information saying that I was accepted to the camp, I got a rebate from my school so I could book a flight.
The web site says, "Each summer young adults join us from all over the country to serve in active ministry at Kodiak Baptist Mission. These individuals are asked to leave their normal day to day routine, walk by faith and become short term Missionaries to the island of Kodiak. Our Summer Staff take on the role of counselors, instructors and student. They staff Island Summer Adventures, a dynamic child care alternative for families with children entering grades 1st through 8th. They spend much of their day interacting with these children as they share and show their love for Jesus Christ. Camp runs summer long, Monday through Friday beginning each morning at 7:30 AM and concluding at 5:30 PM. Staff plan activities, bible based mentor times and instruct a variety of camps that help lead kids in the adventure of a Christ filled life.
Staff are also students. While spending five hours a day in active ministry to the children they also commit three hours daily in prayer, study, discipleship, and Christ centered training. Our goal is to help develop these individual’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ by equipping them with a host of resources that will serve as tools in their life long Christian journey."
I can't wait!!!!!!!!!! I need more Jesus and I think this is going to be an amazing opportunity to spend time with Him and people that love Him!
So as of now everything is working out wonderfully! I leave May 25th for three months! I can't wait to see God work in the lives of the children. This is not a paid position so I am excited to see how God provides; He is faithful so this isn't a question of will He, but how will He?
Preschool has been a large part of this year too, helping Mrs. India with the church preschool and also volunteering at another preschool in town. A great conformation that God wants me working with children. Seeing these children instantly brings a smile to my face!
A few months ago I started praying about summer opportunities. I have always wanted to go to Africa and still do, but I don't feel that's where God wants me right now. I did some searching online through organizations for mission trips for the summer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants us to go and share His love.
"And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen. (Matthew 28:18-20)"
No, I don't think that everyone needs to travel the world in order to fulfill the Great Commission, but I also think that if God has put a desire in one's heart to travel and to serve Him then by all means do it! Being in one place hasn't ever really been my thing. This summer I really wanted to go over seas serving God in Africa. While God didn't open doors to Africa He did open a major door to Alaska. I did some random Google searches for summer camps because I love kids and want them to know God's love. I applied for this summer camp praying all the while that God will slam the doors in my face if this wasn't the place for me to be. Not only did God open the door of opportunity up the day I got the packet of information saying that I was accepted to the camp, I got a rebate from my school so I could book a flight.
The web site says, "Each summer young adults join us from all over the country to serve in active ministry at Kodiak Baptist Mission. These individuals are asked to leave their normal day to day routine, walk by faith and become short term Missionaries to the island of Kodiak. Our Summer Staff take on the role of counselors, instructors and student. They staff Island Summer Adventures, a dynamic child care alternative for families with children entering grades 1st through 8th. They spend much of their day interacting with these children as they share and show their love for Jesus Christ. Camp runs summer long, Monday through Friday beginning each morning at 7:30 AM and concluding at 5:30 PM. Staff plan activities, bible based mentor times and instruct a variety of camps that help lead kids in the adventure of a Christ filled life.
Staff are also students. While spending five hours a day in active ministry to the children they also commit three hours daily in prayer, study, discipleship, and Christ centered training. Our goal is to help develop these individual’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ by equipping them with a host of resources that will serve as tools in their life long Christian journey."
I can't wait!!!!!!!!!! I need more Jesus and I think this is going to be an amazing opportunity to spend time with Him and people that love Him!
So as of now everything is working out wonderfully! I leave May 25th for three months! I can't wait to see God work in the lives of the children. This is not a paid position so I am excited to see how God provides; He is faithful so this isn't a question of will He, but how will He?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
School Stress!
So school kinda stresses me out a lot. In order to go to school out here I have to have a car, get a job so I can buy gas and books. How am I going to do all of that in the then 4 weeks before school starts? Stress out!
So what do I do but call my mom cause mom makes everything better, not. I called mom-not really expecting anything except for her to let me vent- I told her I still didn't have things worked out with school and didn't know what I was going to do. I just had to trust God on this one. Her response wasn't quite what I expected. She told me that when things didn't work out here I could come back to Vermont, there was a room there for me. I could drive her car to and from school and just live there. She told me to call her and let her know when it didn't work out. By this time I was a little upset and just said when it works out I'll call you.
Less than an hour after I got off the phone with her I got a text from one of my favorite people, ever! He wanted to know if I had a job, a car and how I was set with books for school. My response: No job, no car, no books. Just trusting God on this one. He said that he was in a place financially that he could and wanted to help me with books. I told him I couldn't let him do that and he said let me do it, I kinda owe HIM a favor or two. It made me think, how many times have I heard the sermon about not stealing someone's blessing. So I decided to let him do it. That took care of the books, now what about the car and job?
That same afternoon Tina, my step mom found a 86' F250 here in town and for cheap. I thought something must be wrong with it, but we went and looked anyway. Well she drove it home that afternoon and I am now driving her car because school is about 20 miles from here and the car's better on gas.
God has just blessed me beyond words this past week! I saw Richard off Saturday morning. It was kinda hard to say bye. I texted him once he was in Denver and just said thank you for coming and for everything he did and told him how sad I was that he was gone. He replied, don't worry, God willing I'll be back next summer.
I love that attitude: God willing I can do anything.
So what do I do but call my mom cause mom makes everything better, not. I called mom-not really expecting anything except for her to let me vent- I told her I still didn't have things worked out with school and didn't know what I was going to do. I just had to trust God on this one. Her response wasn't quite what I expected. She told me that when things didn't work out here I could come back to Vermont, there was a room there for me. I could drive her car to and from school and just live there. She told me to call her and let her know when it didn't work out. By this time I was a little upset and just said when it works out I'll call you.
Less than an hour after I got off the phone with her I got a text from one of my favorite people, ever! He wanted to know if I had a job, a car and how I was set with books for school. My response: No job, no car, no books. Just trusting God on this one. He said that he was in a place financially that he could and wanted to help me with books. I told him I couldn't let him do that and he said let me do it, I kinda owe HIM a favor or two. It made me think, how many times have I heard the sermon about not stealing someone's blessing. So I decided to let him do it. That took care of the books, now what about the car and job?
That same afternoon Tina, my step mom found a 86' F250 here in town and for cheap. I thought something must be wrong with it, but we went and looked anyway. Well she drove it home that afternoon and I am now driving her car because school is about 20 miles from here and the car's better on gas.
God has just blessed me beyond words this past week! I saw Richard off Saturday morning. It was kinda hard to say bye. I texted him once he was in Denver and just said thank you for coming and for everything he did and told him how sad I was that he was gone. He replied, don't worry, God willing I'll be back next summer.
I love that attitude: God willing I can do anything.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
So I gave up on this whole blogging every day thing because my computer went ka-put! So I'm at dad's for the weekend so I have a computer. Anyway, the latest up-date, it's snowing; that's right it's June 7th and it's snowing!
And dad and Tina have a missionary staying with them. He's really quite, but a great kid that really loves God. My goal for the weekend was to make him talk before I left this afternoon. Last night I went into his room and we talked for an hour and a half. (He's an engineering major, so most of it went over my head, but I just listened.) Anyway, that's all for now, time to get ready for Church!
And dad and Tina have a missionary staying with them. He's really quite, but a great kid that really loves God. My goal for the weekend was to make him talk before I left this afternoon. Last night I went into his room and we talked for an hour and a half. (He's an engineering major, so most of it went over my head, but I just listened.) Anyway, that's all for now, time to get ready for Church!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)