Since my last post there have been quite a few less tears, but I'm still not content. I can say what I want to about my father being out of my life, but I don't know that I like this decision. I told him a few months back at a short meeting over coffee that he hadn't given me anything all my life and I don't need anything from him at this point. The only thing I want from him is for him to listen when I need to talk and he can't even give me that. I grew up on my own and I don't need him to step in now. But, my father is my father regardless.
Unfortunately as I learn the things of the past I have a really hard time of leaving the past in the past. I know I NEED to forgive him, this is a daily struggle.
Another huge struggle for me is the fact that I was told I was welcome at their house, then I went back to get something from my old room and find that my little brother is moving into my room and making his a game room.... real welcome...
So because I'm NOT welcome at my family's house I'm living with my pastor and his wife, but I'm struggling with that too. They tell me I'm welcome and they treat me like part of the family. I love these people, but I feel like I'm a burden but I have no where to go. I feel that I'm only really welcome at my mom’s house, but there's not room there. I’m out of options. I guess that's why I'm thinking Alaska. India has told me not to go if I'm just running and in all honesty, I'm running. I don’t know what else to do. I’m running from the unwelcoming feeling I get here, running from the bad relationship with my father, running from the fact that I don’t feel the same love that I thought was here when I came.
I guess I should have listened to my family, they told me not to go when I was 16, but I went. And it’s recently been brought to my attention that he wanted nothing to do with me or my family, he made that decision over 20 years ago. I forced myself into his life and now I’ll take myself out of it. I now realize that he really though he was out free and clear that day that mom left for Vermont.
Ok, enough complaining. I have been SO blessed this year! My mom, even with all that she’s going through manages to call me at least once a week and sometimes once a day! I can’t explain what a blessing that is! My two best friends, oh dear, I wouldn’t have made it though to this point without them! I rarely go a day without some form of communication. Mark and India have been a HUGE help to me. I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be right now without them. The list could go on and on. And even this relationship with dad hasn’t been all bad; I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t met him.
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