Since my last post there have been quite a few less tears, but I'm still not content. I can say what I want to about my father being out of my life, but I don't know that I like this decision. I told him a few months back at a short meeting over coffee that he hadn't given me anything all my life and I don't need anything from him at this point. The only thing I want from him is for him to listen when I need to talk and he can't even give me that. I grew up on my own and I don't need him to step in now. But, my father is my father regardless.
Unfortunately as I learn the things of the past I have a really hard time of leaving the past in the past. I know I NEED to forgive him, this is a daily struggle.
Another huge struggle for me is the fact that I was told I was welcome at their house, then I went back to get something from my old room and find that my little brother is moving into my room and making his a game room.... real welcome...
So because I'm NOT welcome at my family's house I'm living with my pastor and his wife, but I'm struggling with that too. They tell me I'm welcome and they treat me like part of the family. I love these people, but I feel like I'm a burden but I have no where to go. I feel that I'm only really welcome at my mom’s house, but there's not room there. I’m out of options. I guess that's why I'm thinking Alaska. India has told me not to go if I'm just running and in all honesty, I'm running. I don’t know what else to do. I’m running from the unwelcoming feeling I get here, running from the bad relationship with my father, running from the fact that I don’t feel the same love that I thought was here when I came.
I guess I should have listened to my family, they told me not to go when I was 16, but I went. And it’s recently been brought to my attention that he wanted nothing to do with me or my family, he made that decision over 20 years ago. I forced myself into his life and now I’ll take myself out of it. I now realize that he really though he was out free and clear that day that mom left for Vermont.
Ok, enough complaining. I have been SO blessed this year! My mom, even with all that she’s going through manages to call me at least once a week and sometimes once a day! I can’t explain what a blessing that is! My two best friends, oh dear, I wouldn’t have made it though to this point without them! I rarely go a day without some form of communication. Mark and India have been a HUGE help to me. I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be right now without them. The list could go on and on. And even this relationship with dad hasn’t been all bad; I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t met him.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Those days...
Do you ever have those days where you just don't know what to do? You feel like the world is falling down around you and it's all your fault? You feel unlovable? It's been one of those days where I don't want to see anyone. I don't really want to talk to people. I just want to hide out in my room read my book and cry.
As I sit here crying I get a text saying "The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving towards all He has made." Psalms 145:17-And guess what! He made you! Just a thought you bless you today! I can't help but think that she's right.
I need to pursue God. I was just having a time with it yesterday and couldn't seem to make myself until a friend text me and said "How's your walk with God?" I broke down crying and knew the answer, it wasn't good. His next question hit me harder, "Have you been reading your Bible?" So I know I'm supposed to be seeking God, but I'm failing at it. Before I was completely exhausted I told him I would read my Bible. So I did. And my mood today, 100% better. God is so faithful!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Home...Now what?!
well i'm back from alaska and i don't know what to do with myself. i loved alaska and would love to go back anytime, right now would be great!
since I was in high school i've had this crazy desire to go to africa. i'm not really sure why i want to go there, maybe this is a desire God has put on my heart. i have every intention to pay off some bills and run away. i have been talking with a guy who coordinates missions to africa, he will help get me where i want to go doing what i want to do. he asked the other day how long i wanted to be gone, he suggested six months i think that sounds great!
anyway for now i'm working a lot. i babysit three nights a week, teach preschool two mornings a week and work at a grocery store.
i'm ready for a break already and it hasn't started.
Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
since I was in high school i've had this crazy desire to go to africa. i'm not really sure why i want to go there, maybe this is a desire God has put on my heart. i have every intention to pay off some bills and run away. i have been talking with a guy who coordinates missions to africa, he will help get me where i want to go doing what i want to do. he asked the other day how long i wanted to be gone, he suggested six months i think that sounds great!
anyway for now i'm working a lot. i babysit three nights a week, teach preschool two mornings a week and work at a grocery store.
i'm ready for a break already and it hasn't started.
Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
North Bound!
This year has been crazy- school, work, preschool, and perusing God. While school is a large part of my life, is retrospect this year school has been very small. Work has been the best thing God has done for me this year; my job is a place where I not only get paid, but have some wonderful friends there! I don't know what I would do without my friends at work!
Preschool has been a large part of this year too, helping Mrs. India with the church preschool and also volunteering at another preschool in town. A great conformation that God wants me working with children. Seeing these children instantly brings a smile to my face!
A few months ago I started praying about summer opportunities. I have always wanted to go to Africa and still do, but I don't feel that's where God wants me right now. I did some searching online through organizations for mission trips for the summer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants us to go and share His love.
"And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen. (Matthew 28:18-20)"
No, I don't think that everyone needs to travel the world in order to fulfill the Great Commission, but I also think that if God has put a desire in one's heart to travel and to serve Him then by all means do it! Being in one place hasn't ever really been my thing. This summer I really wanted to go over seas serving God in Africa. While God didn't open doors to Africa He did open a major door to Alaska. I did some random Google searches for summer camps because I love kids and want them to know God's love. I applied for this summer camp praying all the while that God will slam the doors in my face if this wasn't the place for me to be. Not only did God open the door of opportunity up the day I got the packet of information saying that I was accepted to the camp, I got a rebate from my school so I could book a flight.
The web site says, "Each summer young adults join us from all over the country to serve in active ministry at Kodiak Baptist Mission. These individuals are asked to leave their normal day to day routine, walk by faith and become short term Missionaries to the island of Kodiak. Our Summer Staff take on the role of counselors, instructors and student. They staff Island Summer Adventures, a dynamic child care alternative for families with children entering grades 1st through 8th. They spend much of their day interacting with these children as they share and show their love for Jesus Christ. Camp runs summer long, Monday through Friday beginning each morning at 7:30 AM and concluding at 5:30 PM. Staff plan activities, bible based mentor times and instruct a variety of camps that help lead kids in the adventure of a Christ filled life.
Staff are also students. While spending five hours a day in active ministry to the children they also commit three hours daily in prayer, study, discipleship, and Christ centered training. Our goal is to help develop these individual’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ by equipping them with a host of resources that will serve as tools in their life long Christian journey."
I can't wait!!!!!!!!!! I need more Jesus and I think this is going to be an amazing opportunity to spend time with Him and people that love Him!
So as of now everything is working out wonderfully! I leave May 25th for three months! I can't wait to see God work in the lives of the children. This is not a paid position so I am excited to see how God provides; He is faithful so this isn't a question of will He, but how will He?
Preschool has been a large part of this year too, helping Mrs. India with the church preschool and also volunteering at another preschool in town. A great conformation that God wants me working with children. Seeing these children instantly brings a smile to my face!
A few months ago I started praying about summer opportunities. I have always wanted to go to Africa and still do, but I don't feel that's where God wants me right now. I did some searching online through organizations for mission trips for the summer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants us to go and share His love.
"And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen. (Matthew 28:18-20)"
No, I don't think that everyone needs to travel the world in order to fulfill the Great Commission, but I also think that if God has put a desire in one's heart to travel and to serve Him then by all means do it! Being in one place hasn't ever really been my thing. This summer I really wanted to go over seas serving God in Africa. While God didn't open doors to Africa He did open a major door to Alaska. I did some random Google searches for summer camps because I love kids and want them to know God's love. I applied for this summer camp praying all the while that God will slam the doors in my face if this wasn't the place for me to be. Not only did God open the door of opportunity up the day I got the packet of information saying that I was accepted to the camp, I got a rebate from my school so I could book a flight.
The web site says, "Each summer young adults join us from all over the country to serve in active ministry at Kodiak Baptist Mission. These individuals are asked to leave their normal day to day routine, walk by faith and become short term Missionaries to the island of Kodiak. Our Summer Staff take on the role of counselors, instructors and student. They staff Island Summer Adventures, a dynamic child care alternative for families with children entering grades 1st through 8th. They spend much of their day interacting with these children as they share and show their love for Jesus Christ. Camp runs summer long, Monday through Friday beginning each morning at 7:30 AM and concluding at 5:30 PM. Staff plan activities, bible based mentor times and instruct a variety of camps that help lead kids in the adventure of a Christ filled life.
Staff are also students. While spending five hours a day in active ministry to the children they also commit three hours daily in prayer, study, discipleship, and Christ centered training. Our goal is to help develop these individual’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ by equipping them with a host of resources that will serve as tools in their life long Christian journey."
I can't wait!!!!!!!!!! I need more Jesus and I think this is going to be an amazing opportunity to spend time with Him and people that love Him!
So as of now everything is working out wonderfully! I leave May 25th for three months! I can't wait to see God work in the lives of the children. This is not a paid position so I am excited to see how God provides; He is faithful so this isn't a question of will He, but how will He?
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